Cancer is the answer

Cancer kind of runs in my family. My mom is battling it right now, her father just recently died from it. Her oldest brother died from it less than a year ago. Her younger sister died from it about 10 years ago. Her youngest brother most likely has it but won't go to the doctor. She has no other siblings. Of the 4 of them, 2 have already died of it, 1 is battling it now and the other is in denial.

No, my loyal readers, this is not about to become a goth fantasy of self pity and loathing of life in proportions to be marvelled at. No, we're taking this in a whole other direction. Strap in and prepare for the ride.

Yes folks, I purchased cancer insurance today. Since only one of my natural parents have had the C-bug and not "any two of your natural parents" as they stated on the application I qualify. Therefore I took out the maximum available policy on myself. Now I realize it takes a certain kind of person to get excited about insurance

Hey now, don't you tell me you don't remember me 'cause I sure as heckfire remember you.

Not a chance.

Ned... Ryerson. "Needlenose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing. Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson, I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?

Ned Ryerson?

BING!

Bing.

but stick with me here, it gets better.

The insurance I bought is the kind that pays me, not the hospital/doctor. They pay me $100 a year just to show I had a cancer screening done. No big deal. But when I get diagnosed with cancer they drop me a check for 5 grand. Any hospital time I have to do nets me a check for $400 per day. Chemotherapy is paid at $20 grand per year.

There are a million other things they pay but those are the highlights.

I look at it this way: I'll have plenty of spare cash to be paying for my "medical marijuana" and I'm thinking my house might be the party house as soon as the doctor gives "the go ahead."

As an aside, I wonder what the opposite of morbid is? Not really even the opposite so much as the absolute bastardization of the concept known as morbid. Maybe that's still morbid, I don't know. But whatever it is, that's what my theory on cancer is. Yup, gonna die from it, or at least be really sick someday. But it looks like I'll be set up. Party's at my place.