Bloggers are an odd bunch

I spend a considerable amount of time reading blogs and sometimes it is nice to see the face behind the words. When the mood strikes I will click on their profile and see the picture. My eyes aren't as young as they once were so sometimes I'll click the link that says "View full size."

I'm here to tell you that not a single blogger I have viewed full size as of yet is over 4 inches tall. Does Barnum & Bailey know about this potential stash of freakshows?

Naming convention

Dear readers:
I apologize. I have led you astray. I shall come up with a suitable punishment for myself (unless you feel you have a good one in mind) and I will amend my evil ways.

This blog has nothing to do with three word slogans.

...there, I've said it.

I know, I know, you thought I was going to start spouting new Three Word Slogans for your use in the marketing meetings but alas I have let my readership down.

Oddly enough, and I do mean oddly, I get a lot of search engine hits for people actually looking for advertising slogans. Here's what I picture:

[random background music, 2 guys sitting in a basement/bedroom/apartment]
1: Dude, killer J Dude.
2: Yeah, primo shit. It's hydro dude.
1: I have the munchies dude.
2: Yeah, me too. Let's Just Do it!
1: heh heh, yeah, just do it.
2: heh heh
1: [thinking] Wait a minute dude, "Just do it" is for women's douches or something.
2: Nuh uh dude, it's the McDonald's slogan
1: Oh. Yeah, that's right.

mmm hmmm, and that's how I see it in my mind's eye. I don't see it that way in the eyes in my head because they like see reality and stuff. Either way, I'm lovin' it.

Things I don't understand

There are a lot of things I cannot comprehend. Maybe if I list them here for you, my devoted readers, you can explain some of them to me or something.

1. Prescription drugs. I understand things like pain meds but why are some drugs by prescription only? For example, If I can get more canoeing and horseback riding done if I take that herpes medicine, why can't I go get some myself?
2. Our current pro-racist environment. It wasn't ok when it was the whites against the blacks but it's ok when it is everyone versus the hispanics.
3. Wars. What in the world are we fighting for?
   
4. Accountability. Have you noticed the lack of response during the Katrina hurricane is being pinned on one man? Well where was his boss? And his boss? It's the government, it goes right up a chain of command until it terminates with the president.
   
5. Boxing, participants and fans. WTF people, why are you either beating somebody up, watching somebody beat somebody else up, or getting beat up? Where's the fun in that?
6. People that try to get out of work, as in missing days of work for their employer. If you don't like the job get another one. If you only want to work 3 days a week check out fast food,retail, realty, you name it.
7. People that speak their own breed of English. Dear Ms. McDonald's money taker lady, it isn't "Fo Fitty tree" it is Four Fifty Three, please speak so I can understand what you are saying. Also, cent is singular and cents is plural. My change is never "One Cents."
8. Big Bass. If you are the type of person that likes to have earth moving sound in your car remember that the guy next to you at the red light might be trying to listen to NPR or something.
   
9. Houseflies. I can't think of any possible reason for them to be on this earth.
10. 5 AM downtown Savannah. Is Bay street really a NASCAR circuit that I don't know about?
11. Road work. Why would you close 2 of the 4 lanes of a bridge for repairs and then nobody ever does anything to it? The only thing this does is increase wait time and wastes hundreds of thousands of man hours. Get your contractor out there and get the job done.
12. Basketball. Too much sprinting.
13. Horoscopes. Yeah, well, I'm guessing there's more than 12 categories of people, but your horoscope might tell you otherwise so believe what you want.
14. DUI laws. You know in some states they can arrest you for DUI even if the car isn't running? If you have the keys in the ignition to run the radio in your driveway and you've had too many to drink, BAM! you're a baby killer and you're going to jail.
15. Howard Stern. Dude, the act is old. Give up on it, move on. I don't get it, who is still listening to this drivel.
    
16. American television viewers. Get off the Survivor crack pipe. I don't understand what the fasicnation is with watching other people in a fake reality.
    
17. Nascar. They are not STOCK cars. "N"orth "A"merican "S"tock "C"ar "A"uto "R"acing. "Stock" car racing, if that is what you are interested in, is actually part of the SCCA. Also, while we're on the subject... Why is it "C"ar "A"uto? Isn't that redundant? In the same vein, could the nascar truck races be deemed illegal since they are obviously very very clear that not only does it have to be an auto (automobile) but it also has to be a car, which trucks obviously are not. There is nothing about nascar that makes sense to me.
    
18. People that would still work if they won the lottery. I'd work. I'd work on my buzz wherever I was, my tan when I was in the sun, and my blog. But to do a daily grind? Nah, I don't think so.
19. Metal is bad for microwaves. Chef Boyardee microwave bowls contain metal. Yet nothing explodes other than my stomach and colon. Now how is that possible?
20. Myself. Sometimes I just don't understand me. I don't think there's any helping that but I thought I'd throw it out there.
    

Speed Beef

True story. Grab a cigar and a cognac and I'll tell you what yankee hillbillies are like.

My grandmother was thrifty to say the least. She also worked several jobs and was always on the run. During this time we lived in Northern PA within the boundaries of the Allegheny national forest. Yes folks, we had deer. Lots of em. If you WANTED a deer you could get one any time day or night. If you DIDN'T want deer you could get one any time day or night.

One night grandma got home from one of her jobs and she let us know that she had a deer in the car. She explained that she had hit it and decided to keep it. (Grandma drove a ford escort by the way.. no, not a wagon.) Well it kind of dawned on me that the car most likely only knocked the deer out. Let me take a journey into that story before we jump back in line with this one.

Let's just say there was a deer. And let's say that somebody's parents thought this deer was dead. I mean, you know, just for supposition's sake. Weeeellll, while having said deer in the trunk of the car, driving down the main street of the town we lived near, the deer decided it wasn't dead anymore and began attempting to extricate himself from the vehicle. Did I mention it wasn't deer season? Anyway, the deer kicked out both tail lights and the parents made it out of town without attracting the notice of the game warden or the police but had to do some repairs on the car and here's my question... How would YOU open the trunk of that car?

Anyway so I'm wondering how she knew this thing was dead. She had bludgeoned it with the tire iron, a 4 way jobber. Yup, that's my grandmother. She kept it and had it butchered and whatnot. She seemed to have a 'butcher on the sly' but I don't know who he was or where he was. I'm sure it was better this way.

As time went on it seemed that this happened on a more and more regular basis. She would get her car fixed and then when she maybe hit one on accident she'd kind of go on a spree and she'd be bringing home one a week until she would get her car fixed and then there'd be a gap between killings... err, I mean accidents.

We came to calling this "Speed Beef." We still do, all of us grandchildren.

Do I need to mention I have eaten a lot of "venison"?

Time to make the doughnuts. Or is it donuts?

Rewind back to last Wednesday, a week from today.

I called Krispy Kreme (the company with the great spelling and employees that match their mantra) to order a few doughnuts. I needed 800 doughnuts. Yes folks, 800. I figured I'd better call in advance and let them know. The person that answered the phone asked me to hold for a manager once she was sure I wasn't kidding around and I spoke with the manager of the day whomever that was. He assured me I would be able to pick up the doughnuts on Tuesday morning at 6 AM sharp. I accepted his offer of goods and services and the deal was made.

I showed up at Krispy Kreme at 5:15 AM to find they don't even open their doors until 6. I'm not in Podunk here, this is a city of 100,000+ with a county (which is basically the city plus suburbs) of 200,000+. Would it not make sense for a doughnut shop to open early? In their defense they were open until 11 PM on some nights because, you know, doughnuts are now a great after supper treat. Yeah, that's it.

All tangents aside, I backed into the parking spot in front of the door, opened up the back of the jeep and sat there and stared into the front window for 45 minutes while the employees went on with their business of "Time to make the doughnuts" (which I know is the competitor's slogan ... the BETTER competitor I might add) Oh wait, this was all tangents aside. Well there goes that theory.

Anyway they knew I was there. I was obviously going to be packing a jeep full of doughnuts since they could see me with no back seat (remember I was backed in and the back was completely open) and everything prepared to stuff a lot of doughnuts in there. Nobody came out to question me so I assumed they knew I was the guy picking up a metric assload of doughnuts. (A metric assload is exactly the same as an Imperial assload only you move the decimal to the right 4 times and then move the decimal one time to the left.)

The doors opened promptly at 6 as promised and I was the first to the counter. I told them who I was and what I wanted. The counter person went into the doughnut factory part that was behind the magic glass wall and looked at the rolling carts of doughnuts. After a few minutes she came back and asked what company it was for and my name again. Giving her the information I began to have a sinking feeling. A minute or two later she arrived without any doughnuts and simply said, "The manager will be right out."

To which I responded, "I don't have any doughnuts, do I?"

She mumbled something.

I had 400 people expecting doughnuts and that this point in the game I was hosed. No doughnut factory in town could help me and I knew it. While I was extremely upset I also realized that no matter what I said or did I would not walk out of there with any doughnuts. The manager of the day came to speak with me and informed me that it seemed nobody had written down the order. She advised me to call later and speak with the General Manager of the day and perhaps she would give me a price break.

In a self indulgent moment I blurted, "I don't want a price break, I want someone to come explain to 400 people why they don't have doughnuts." I shouldn't have said this. The counter person didn't have anything to do with the mess up and neither did the manager of the morning.

Upon my arrival to work I had quite a few people to deal with, explaining the situation and apologizing for having them come in early to help pass out what wasn't there, and I ended up getting more and more infuriated about the mess up. I decided to wait until later in the day to call back and speak with the General Manager of the day because I did not want to take out my ire on anyone in particular.

I finally calmed down and made the call. I explained the situation and the woman was not exactly "cold" towards me but it was very close. I was trying to maintain professionalism so I simply said something to the effect of, "I will be buying about 800 doughnuts tomorrow. Will I be buying them from your business or do I need to look for other alternatives?" She warmed right up to me and actually had them ready and waiting when I got there.

In other news, it is my thought that I could easily fit about 2,500 to 3,000 doughnuts in a 2006 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited that has the rear seat removed. This picture shows 804 doughnuts somewhat neatly stacked and I think I could have easily tripled the size of the stacks plus put more on the wheel wells and in the passenger seat.

Sorry the picture is so dark, it was like early and stuff. And my camera isn't all pro or anything. But at least I gots me some dougnuts.

Now how ironic is it that I don't eat doughnuts?

The yellow thing on the right is an extension cord (120v) because I have a manly jeep with 120V AC power in it. And 4 Wheel drive! And a miniature jeep on the dash! With Robin driving! Oh yeah, And a metric assload of doughnuts!